The only thing is I don’t know if I want to go.
When I came back to the states last year I was burnt out from long-term travel and decided that long-term travel wasn’t for me.
However, New Zealand was always an option for me. My working holiday visa expires next month and I might as well use it. It’s not like I have anything going on here in Chicago. I’m not in a relationship as my hair stylist very kindly reminded me yesterday when he asked me if I had plans for Valentines Day. When I said “no”, he responded with an “Awwwww! Why not?!” And I just gave an awkward shrug. Seriously, WTF?
I don’t have a job. And I saw who my real friends were when I came back to the states and those who said were my friends but suddenly became “too busy” to see me. And, quite frankly, I’m getting sick of Chicago. I appreciated it when I came back and saw it differently for the first time. But I don’t even know if I want to live here anymore.
So it all makes sense as to why I should go to New Zealand – even for a short time. But my mood quickly changed from “I’m doing something really cool!” to “Meh. I’d rather stay home, watch The Bachelor and not go to the gym.” Because, apparently, that’s how I want to live my life – boringly and binge watching Orange Is The New Black while eating everything in sight and not putting on pants.
Whether it’s a two-week vacation to a place where I don’t speak the language or something longer to a country where English isn’t an issue, maybe I’m always going to have that sick-to-my-stomach-holy-crap-I-don’t-know-what-I’m-doing feeling.
For the past week, I couldn’t get rid of that feeling. In fact, I’m trying to avoid the whole vomiting process as I type this sentence. My friends and family, who don’t travel, don’t understand. And many of my friends who do travel, don’t understand. It’s a feeling that I can’t quite describe. It feels like I’m in a tight space and the walls are closing in and I can’t breathe. It feels like I don’t want to go. But it also feels like I should so I don’t regret not going.
My goal isn’t to see everything in New Zealand. In fact, the idea that I have to look for work while in New Zealand doesn’t really please me. I’m sure I’ll get hired and everything will be fine. I’m sure I’ll find a place to live and everything will be fine. But if I don’t? I don’t really care. It would be nice to afford luxuries such as rent or trips within New Zealand. But this time I want to take things slow.
I also want to write. I’ve been toying with the idea of a nonfiction book that I’ve written bits and pieces for and I want to take it seriously and give myself a deadline for a first draft. And I want that to be just as much a priority as looking for paying work.
What I’m saying is, I don’t know what I want. I’m not even excited. I’m just walking around in panic with a tight knot in my stomach. I know I’d be a lot more comfortable watching The Bachelor Monday night. Instead, I’ll be taking a flight to New Zealand.