How To NOT Do NYE In Melbourne In 23 Not-So-Easy-Steps

IMG_6110I’VE NEVER ACTUALLY HAD A GOOD NYE.

In fact, the good ones that come to mind were when I was about 10-years-old and watched Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. Those were the good days.

I’ve done the whole college-ish house party scene. It turns out that I’m not a house party type of person.

I’ve done Navy Pier in Chicago. And, well, it’s kind of a pain trying to get home when there’s a large crowd in your way (and it also doesn’t help when you’re 18-years-old and the friend who came with you keeps ignoring you and using your phone to call some guy who keeps ignoring her).

The most remotely decent NYE was when I went to a Jazz Club in Chicago a couple of years ago in freezing cold weather.

Last year I stayed home and watched Glee and then had a really weird dream.

This year (or last year if we’re being technical – for the end of 2014) I was in Melbourne.

I figured I should do something even though I secretly wanted to be in Sydney for their amazing fireworks show. However, Melbourne had to do. It wasn’t exactly the glamorous night I’d hope it would be. In fact, it was kind of dreadful.

If you ever want to do NYE in Melbourne, here’s what you probably shouldn’t do.

How To NOT Do NYE In Melbourne In 23-Not-So-Easy-Steps

Step #1 RSVP ‘Yes’ To A NYE Event On Meetup.com

Meetup is a networking-ish social type website I’ll occasionally use to meet people, find cool events, and to get out once in awhile. It’s a good way to meet people, but with like everything – it has its ups and downs. Sometimes I’ll meet people and we’ll click and keep in touch. Other times, I won’t click with the people I meet. It’s all a gamble, really.

I decided to go to a random NYE event that caught my eye. The description seemed like it would be fun. The only thing was it was out of the city (where I live at the moment). It was being held at some rooftop bar in South Yarra. It looked like fun, so I asked around to see if anyone was heading over from the city and wanted to go together.

Step #2 Accept A Ride From A Stranger

A lovely girl offered to carpool so some of us didn’t have to go alone. It was really nice of her, and I was happy to join them in the ride over.

Step #3 Put On The Only Fancy Dress You Own

Because it’s the only fancy-schmancy dress I have.

IMG_6050Step #4 Arrive Really Early & Feel Really Uncomfortable

Upon arrival, at 5pm, it turned out that we were the first ones there. And, well, after an hour, we were still kind of the firsts ones there.

OK, there were a couple of other people there, too. Erm, and I kind of didn’t want to interact with them (which sounds really mean when I say it out loud — it’s a good thing I’m writing it instead).

Step #5 Be Horrified When The Host Of The Event Said She Invited Another Group With The Title Of Something Like “Men Looking For Women”

Do I really need to explain this one?

Step #6 Talk To A Creepy Guy With A Green Spot In His Beard

There was a man who was probably in his late 50s and had a gray beard with a green spot in it. At first I thought I was seeing things, but then it was clear that this man had a green spot in his beard. And he talked to me for what seemed like hours. I know, I know, I’m being mean again. YOU try talking to a green-spotted-bearded man.

Step #7 Hope That More People Show Up & That It’s Just Not You & The Green-Spotted-Bearded Man At Midnight

Not a lot of people showed up. But this guy did:

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Step #8 Eat All The Free Cheese

Because, really, what else am I going to do?

IMG_6052Step #9 Look Around & Notice That The People You Came With Are Gone

I was sitting at a table with a few girls when I looked around and noticed that most of the people were gone – including my ride home.

Could you really blame them?

Step #10 Watch The Only Guy Dressed In Drag Salsa Dance To The Music. Alone.

Because that’s the type of thing you do on NYE.

Step #11 Feel Like You Should Leave

Do I really need to explain this one?

Step #12 Ask The Only Girls Who Didn’t Run Away If They Want To Head To The City With You

Because I need to be in the city now.

Step #13 Lose Your Phone

When I reached for my phone in my purse, I noticed that it wasn’t there.

My first thought was: “Crap.”

My second thought was: “I probably left in my ride’s car… who is now gone.”

My third thought was: “At least it wasn’t a fancy phone.”

Step #14 Head Back To The City

Because I should have never left in the first place.

On Our Way To The City

On Our Way To The City

Getting Off The Train On Flinders Street Railway Station

Getting Off The Train On Flinders Street Railway Station

Step #15 Drink Fruity Wine Out Of A Bottle

Because if anyone needs a drink right about now, it’s me.

IMG_6071Step #16 Be Really, Really Cold As You Sit For About 2 Hours By The Yarra River

Even though I had a light sweater with me, I was still freezing.

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Step #17 Continue To Be Cold

Because, you guys, it was really cold.

Step #18 Watch The Fireworks

It’s my favorite thing about NYE and I just really love fireworks in general.

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Step #19 Walk Home After Midnight

I only live a few blocks away from the city festivities, so my commute home was easy.

Step #20 Respond To The Random Drunk Guy Who Says To You “Happy New Year, Girl”

I responded with a “Happy New Year, Boy.” As you do.

Step #21 Come Home, Try To Go To Sleep, But Then Get In An Argument With Your 20-Year-Old Roommate

Because how else would I start 2015 other then giving my 20-year-old roommate a lecture about being respectful and considerate of others?

Step #22 Be Grateful That The Green-Spotted-Bearded Man Wasn’t Around You At Midnight To Try To Kiss You

Because. Ew.

Step #23 Start The New Year With A Massive Headache

Well, here’s to 2015.

PS: I found my phone. I left it in the backseat of my ride’s car as I predicted. It’s a crap phone. But it’s MY crap phone.

PPS: It turns out the group of girls who I rode with didn’t leave me but went out for a bite to eat instead. They just, you know, didn’t invite me.

PPPS: Happy New Year! I hope your festivities were a little less frustrating than mine.

PPPPS: Want to know about my 2015 goal?

What Did You Do On NYE?

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